Stop Chasing: How to Attract the Right People by Loving Yourself First

There was a time when I found myself endlessly chasing what I thought was the "right" connection. I believed that if I just found the right person, everything would fall into place. But what did “right” even mean? How could I expect to form deep, meaningful relationships if I hadn’t truly discovered myself first?

This phase of my life introduced me to limerence, a state of intense infatuation often fueled by anxiety and an intense desire for reciprocation. Limerence can feel like true love, but it’s often a powerful projection of our own unmet needs onto another person. In my case, I was chasing a high — the fantasy that if someone could finally fill the love I was missing, everything would be okay. But what I didn’t realize was that I was actually caught in a cycle of anxious attachment, where my self-worth became tightly wrapped up in others’ approval and presence.

Reflecting back, I recognize now that I’d unknowingly developed an anxious attachment style. I didn’t know it then, but I was constantly seeking validation to reassure myself that I was worthy of love. This led to a habit of over-giving in relationships, bending over backward to make sure people wouldn’t leave. I didn't realize that this cycle was driven by deeper abandonment fears that kept me clinging to people who weren’t right for me. In my mind, they were my safe haven, a way to prove my value.

The turning point came after a particularly heartbreaking experience. I felt as if my self-worth was shattered into pieces. In that moment, I realized that I had been so focused on becoming the best version of myself for others that I had neglected to be the best version of myself for me. My inner child was craving attention, stability, and self-love.

Starting therapy was one of the best decisions I made. It allowed me to recognize the anxious attachment patterns I was holding onto and taught me how to reframe my expectations in relationships. Therapy helped me understand that I didn’t need others to validate my worth; I could finally provide for myself what I’d always been desperate to receive from others.

In this healing journey, I also rediscovered the importance of self-respect and setting boundaries. Instead of exhausting myself to meet the needs of others, I began pouring that energy into understanding and honoring my own. It felt like living out that Miley Cyrus lyric, “I can buy myself flowers” — for the first time, I was caring for myself in ways I used to reserve for others. This shift has been life-changing, and while it’s an ongoing journey, I now know that I am my own best foundation for creating genuine, fulfilling connections.

Setting Boundaries as Your First Step to Self-Love

To truly honor yourself and maintain emotional well-being, establishing clear boundaries with others is essential. Here’s a simple boundary-setting method that has been incredibly helpful for me:

• Define Your Boundaries: Identify the behaviors, conversations, or actions that make you feel uncomfortable, unsupported, or drained. Write them down as a reminder of what you won’t tolerate.
• Communicate Clearly and Kindly: When boundaries are crossed, calmly let the person know how it makes you feel and what you expect going forward. Assertive communication may feel awkward at first, but it becomes empowering.
• Stand Firm and Reevaluate: If someone consistently disregards your boundaries, it’s a signal to walk away. Prioritizing your well-being sometimes means letting go of connections that aren’t healthy.

Resources like The Attachment Project were instrumental in helping me understand my attachment style and recognize the patterns I needed to change. From exploring limerence to understanding anxious attachment, I gained invaluable tools that guided my journey toward a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with myself.

By investing in a healthy relationship with ourselves, we create the foundation to attract balanced, supportive connections. Remember, this journey is about showing up for yourself first, setting boundaries, and choosing relationships that reflect the respect you have for yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

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